@Jam453Lane: I don't know what I drank last night, but the vacuum is stuck on top of the house.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: "Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today." My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
@HatfieldAnne: We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
@ConanOBrien: I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.