one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
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spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
hi why am I like this
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?