I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
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13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.