I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
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I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
no their not
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache