I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
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I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.