In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
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*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
That was easy.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.