@causticbob: I don't know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
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@freypalm: Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER. Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
@JimmerThatisAll: This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or "It's a Small World" stuck in their head.
@nerdreign: Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It's like God doesn't trust us to write our own jokes.
@AaronEves: "Who am I talking to, Ouija Board™?" *S-A-T-A-N* "Satan, do any boys in my class like me?"