@causticbob: I don't know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
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@buhsbaby_baby: One time I invited a guy over for dinner but I didn't feel like cooking so I just poured us each a bowl of cereal really romantically.
@MartaEffing: *sees person I know in a crowd* *waves enthusiastically* * realizes I don't know person* * changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*
@AndyAsAdjective: *steps out of time machine* SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler? ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…