#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
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While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
📽️movie date🎞️
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.