I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
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So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..