I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
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I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
How your email finds me
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.