I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
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Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em