wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
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Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
(Jupiter –
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Velcrow
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.