I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
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a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I support this random dude and all his protests
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Dammit Chief not again
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed