@JimmerThatisAll: I don't know why these Jehovah's Witnesses won't give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
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@Douchekevin: Wife said she was 'retaining water' and I said I'd wondered who drained the swimming pool. Been 4 days and I'm still hiding in the attic
@Dunn_Right: Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax We get it you're unoriginal and watch SOA Hold on my daughter Grey's Anatomy is crying
@pleatedjeans: When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options: 1. Donate to Goodwill 2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
@Rollinintheseat: If history has taught me anything, it's that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.