I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
“You’d better run, egg!”
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.