I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Happens to everyone.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Respect
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free