The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
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Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”