I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
You Might Also Like
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.