please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
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I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
man i love columbo
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes