*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
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If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.