I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
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Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag