I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
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my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Weirdly Wednesday.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week