I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
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I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza