I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
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Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.