I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
You Might Also Like
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I hope it’s French Onion!
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up