SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
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*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”