I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
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kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.