Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
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I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb