I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
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[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try