I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
You Might Also Like
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.