I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Boom, boom, ching!
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.