@mattZillaaaa: I don't mean to brag but I've perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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@cervixsmash: Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank
@curlycomedy: When people write, "your dumb," maybe it's not a typo--they just mean stupidity belongs to you. "Here's your dumb now leave."
@WhiskeySoured: If a bear is chasing you, don't run. Be very still and tweet about it because you're about to die.