@mattZillaaaa: I don't mean to brag but I've perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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@ericsshadow: [on a business trip to South Carolina] Nice to meet you. I'm from Philadelphia. "Welcome to the United States."
@ThingsGoinOn: "Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don't have kids
@BrettDruck: Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn't even close lupita nyong'o: that's my coffee
@Underchilde: My neighbor said the next time he comes over he’s bringing the whole family, so I told him I couldn’t wait and then I burned my house down.