I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you