My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
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I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
You can’t outrun your problems…
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
How to woo a woman
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Stop.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof