If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
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Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
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[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.