@DirtMcTurd: I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
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@EndhooS: Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me! Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u Wife: that's for jellyfish Me: [unzipping pants] bees don't sting jellyfish
@better_off_dad: God: I made a rainbow! Devil: I'm making all the fire alarm batteries die in the middle of the night.