@DirtMcTurd: I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
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@Pirate_nurse: To be clear...putting your entire fist in your mouth should be a party trick saved for after Uncle Barry leaves
@Xoolun: Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I'm now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
@charliedelta7: Just flipped my son off behind his back because I'm an adult and don't get into arguments with 4 year olds.
@RandomAntics: My yoga instructor said "sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do," and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.