I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
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i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Single and childfree like Jesus
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
real
What a chick magnet..
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.