Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
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Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
This hospital has everything
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
😅🤣😂
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess