I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
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What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now