The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
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if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Plant care tips
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.