I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
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What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My purse is deeper than some people.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.