I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
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Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?