GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
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My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
🤭😂