I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
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titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Happy Halloween 🎃
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens