uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
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*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry