Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
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It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak