I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
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Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho