Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
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*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Some people were born into their job.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.