“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
You Might Also Like
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.