Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
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I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
So that’s what we looked like?
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide