“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?