I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
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My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…