I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
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THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?